


it's just that I fell in love with a war (and nobody told me it ended)

by orphan_account



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, Foggy centric, Instant Love, M/M, Requited Love, Through the Years, a great Gatsby reference if you look hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 13:42:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20210716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Matt loves him, which is the worst part. Matt loves him. Matt loves him. Jesus, they were so damn close, weren’t they? Maybe in different circumstance, maybe if they were just a few years older, maybe, maybe,  or maybe they would have never made it no matter what. Foggy doesn’t know if that makes this more painful or not.





	it's just that I fell in love with a war (and nobody told me it ended)

**Author's Note:**

> heavily inspired by that fleabag s2 finale amiright

Foggy has never been in love before. He loves plenty, but he’d never been in it. And then Matt walked into the shitty dorm at Columbia, and he was so smart and funny and full of ideals of justice. Foggy just fell in. More like he jumped in head first, the way he pursued a friendship. Foggy knew he was going to fall in love with Matt within an hour of knowing each other, it was just inevitable, and it scared him a bit but not enough to make him want to run away. It was like the moment you settle into a roller coaster, he imagined.

There was no one better to be in love with than Matt.

Matt inspired hope in him, not hope for romance, but hope for the world. When he was with Matt, he could see how the world could be. Matt was dry humor and catholic guilt, Matt was self sacrificing and strong work ethic and genuine gratuity. Sure, Matt isn’t perfect. He can be kind of a shitty friend at times (but Foggy assumed it was because Matt had never really been a friend before) and he’s a bit dodgy about his past. And that's fine because despite that, Foggy still thinks that it’s true. There was no one better to be in love with than Matt.

  
  
  
  


Matt is never going to be in love with Foggy, and Foggy is fine with that. In all honesty, he is. His love for Matt, it’s enough to sustain his happiness. He doesn’t want more. He just wants to help Matt and to see Matt happy. He wonders if that’s what they mean when they say love is selfless.

Matt doesn’t agree because one day after work, only a week after the bombings, Matt kisses Foggy. Matt kisses like he is hungry, starved, and it’s so good. It’s a kiss that makes Foggy understand the poets and romantics, makes him feel like he’s blossoming under Matt’s hands. They pull away, gasping for air, both a bit disheveled.

“Not that that wasn’t awesome, but why’d you do that?” Foggy says after a second, his voice a little star struck, his mouth feeling as if it’d been branded by the devil himself.

“I wanted to. I want you.” Matt replies with a charming smile and mused hair. For the first time, Foggy lets himself want. And it breaks like a dam. He wants Matt so much. Matt pulls Foggy back in, and Foggy wants. Foggy wants and lets himself be wanted. 

When they finally break again, Matt and Foggy laugh. Foggy doesn’t know if their on the same page until Foggy says he has to go and meet Karen. Matt just nips viciously at Foggy’s ear and tells him to cancel.

_ (“Are you jealous?” Foggy asks, all teasing but ready to agree anyway. _

_ “She likes you. I know she does.” Matt’s voice is a bit distant, a bit too quiet. _

_ “Oh my god, you actually are.” _

_ “I actually am.” Matt smiles again and his crow eyes crinkle and he is so damn handsome.  _

_ “I think you’re only allowed to be jealous after the fifth date.” _

_ “Better get started then, huh?” _

_ They get italian food, and it’s a good night.) _

  
  
  
  


They’ve been busy, and Matt insists that their lunch and coffee outings don’t count as dates because Matt is a sap. They’re all romantic and like a movie. Matt can be a bit distant, but he’d always present during their dates. They laugh and make jokes and debate and kiss. And it’s so good. 

They’ve only hit their fourth official date when it happens. 

Matt is bleeding on Foggy’s floor. Foggy can’t do this. His heart is breaking every single second the conversation, he wonders how it can keep breaking so much. Shouldn’t it have hit rock bottom? How can Foggy love someone he doesn’t know? Because obviously he doesn’t know Matt. And the heartbeat thing. Matt’s known for years, and he just- he what. Foggy doesn’t know what to think. He isn’t thinking. He’s feeling. He’s feeling so much that he feels like it’s suffocating. Matt’s crying and he almost says ‘I love you’ to Foggy before Foggy snaps at him and tells him that this isn’t love. Tells him to stop. Foggy doesn’t know what he’d do if Matt said it. He needs to leave. Foggy is crying when he arrives at the office, his face is blotchy and red.

Matt has the good grace to be gone when he comes back. Foggy kind of wishes he didn’t.

  
  
  
  


“Matt, you’re my best friend. And I- I will always on your side, you know that right? But I can’t, not if your Daredevil, Matt. I can’t be with someone who hurts people because they  _ like _ it. And you like it, Matt. You do.”    
  
“I’ll give it up. Let me show you, Foggy. I’m here. I’m yours. Just, just let me take down Fisk, okay?” Matt is so sweet, his hands holding onto Foggy’s like a lifeline. Foggy gives a small nod, accepting a deal with the devil. A deal they seal with a kiss. A kiss filled with unspoken feelings and unspoken words.

“Tell me that after you take down that bastard.” Foggy says afterwards. 

  
  
  
  


Wilson Fisk has been arrested, and Foggy’s sitting on the roof of his apartment building, waiting for Matt. He’s waiting and waiting and watching the news on his phone. Fisk has been arrested, so where’s Matt? Foggy has the terrible feeling Matt might not show.

He does, eventually. In a devil suit. They sit side by side, feet dangling off the top. Foggy wants to crack a joke about the suit being kinky or something because the mood is heavy and thick with tragedy. There should be no tragedy. This should be a new beginning.

Foggy has done what he can. He’s laid himself bare, swallowed the glass, and waited. He waited and waited, and it wasn’t enough. He did everything he could-- short of begging, which he refused to do (but he almost did). See, Foggy wanted Matt to pick him oh his own volition, he wanted this to be what Matt wanted. He did everything right, he made himself vulnerable, put all his chips in. If Matt didn’t choose him, then that’s that, the end of this chapter, Foggy will move on and be alright.

And he knows, deep down, looking at Matt, that Matt isn’t picking him. He also knows that Matt loves him, which is the worst part. Matt loves him. Matt  _ loves  _ him. Jesus, they were so damn close, weren’t they? Maybe in different circumstance, maybe if they were just a few years older, maybe, maybe, or maybe they would have never made it no matter what. Foggy doesn’t know if that makes this more painful or not. But still, he can’t move on until Matt responds. Hope is a noose, and if Matt doesn’t cut it, Foggy will choke to death waiting forever. Because he will. He’d wait forever.

He’s looking at Matt. He’s breathtaking. Foggy could look at him for hours like this. His glasses are off, and he’s looking down, lips parted, byronic and statuesque and angelic and Matt. Matt’s eyes wander, his breathing is heavy like this pains him, and Foggy holds his hand in an attempt to comfort him. Foggy really loves him, he loves him, oh god, he loves him. He wants to spend the foreseeable future with him.

“It’s not me, is it?” Foggy’s voice is light, a false jovial that they both know is a lie. It hurts but Foggy is smiling nonetheless, a little messy but wide. 

“No.” Matt squeezes his hand, a calloused finger rubbing the back of his hand. Matt doesn’t turn towards him, still sitting beside him, but he does lean his head to touch Foggy’s shoulder, inhaling deeply. “No, it’s not.”

“I thought so,” Foggy wants to cry, he feels the ache in his gut, but he can’t move. He doesn’t have the strength to. He’s already been so strong, he’s tired. He can’t find it in himself to move away from the man he loves, especially when he knows this is the last time they’ll be like this. “It’s okay, Matt. I knew. It’s okay.” But it’s not okay. This is the opposite of okay. Matt knows it too from his sharp intake of breath. “I love you.”

“Foggy, I-” 

“No, no, it’s okay, Matt. Let’s just leave that out there, okay? Just for a second. I just wanted to say it.” Foggy gives a small hysterical laugh, the tears welling up in his eyes, not yet spilling. “I love you. I really fucking love you.” His voice cracks over the curse. Matt looks a bit like a wreck but still so beautiful, he has a small and compassionate smile gracing his face, and presumes to touch their foreheads together for a few seconds, both of them squeezing their eyes shut. It’s intimate and soft and heartbreaking, Matt’s hair tickling his forehead. Foggy wants to kiss him, wants to wake up to Matt, wants a future. 

When Matt slowly starts pulling back into himself, Foggy realizes his cheeks are wet.

“It’ll pass.” Matt says it confidently and softly, it sounds like the only thing in the city. Foggy smiles too, a shattered thing of a smile, as he shakes his head. It will pass, sure, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like this will hurt forever. Matt takes his hand back and stands up. He stands there for a few minutes, not able to leave yet. Matt’s face crumples, a smile turned wretched with pain and wanting before he says, “I love you too.” 

  
  



End file.
